And it all started... I just created this blog so I could have something to share my feelings with. Yes, obviously I am a loner. Alone lonely loner! It is not that I do no trust anyone with my thoughts or emotions. It is just that I feel more comfortable telling all my secrets to someone. They might not understand me. They might judge me. They might leave me. I do not want other people know what is really inside my head. Because I believe it is really confusing. I myself am confuse with what I am thinking. I may have split personality. I have a bad side that I am fighting within me. For example, I got angry for some things, then, I just fight that feeling and feel bad that I got angry about it. Confusing, right? Anyhow, I always feel that everything can be fixed by myself only. Selfish thoughts, right? Prideful thoughts, maybe? but yeah, I keep everything by myself. Whatever that may be, it is only for me!!! Sad part is, it is hard. Really hard. I remember my supervisor just told me to have someone to share my feelings with, that I should not do it alone. Because if I cannot do it alone, then it will not be fixed. Sounds right, right? but yeah, hard headed me still thinks I should be alone. Enough of my intro, you now know why I am doing this, finally.
First issue, my life. I am a middle child. Widely known to be the "left out". I totally agree. They love the eldest and the youngest. So i tried really hard to be the best and get their attention. ADHD? No, ofcourse not. It is just, it is hard to be the left out. Please also note that I got the least beauty. Nevertheless, I believe they still consider me pretty. Not as nice as my oldest sister but, yeah, can be. Everything I have now is mainly because I compete really hard just to be the best among us. Competitive? Super Yes! I always make sure that this is what they want. So whatever my sister was not able to get, ha, I make sure I could get it. And yeah, I did. But, yeah!, I am what I am now not because that is what I really want it to be but because they want me to be. Duh, in short, i was not able to live my life the way i wanted it to be. Everything relied on what they have wanted me to do. I owe them to be successful now. But I am not contentedly happy. I remember, when we were in our primary years, I competed with my sister for the vice governor in the student council. i have decided to run the election because my sister was also on it. Hahahaha, silly me. Ofcourse I won. But that is just it. Nothing so special. I won, so what?! Financially I am more blessed than her, but she is the happiest now. Why? She graduated with the course and school she wanted. She married her long time boyfriend and now having their second baby. But me, working in a international company, married, no baby but planning to have a car. Nice. Really nice. :(
Just a brief preview of my life. Hope to share some on the next more pages.
-via
